I want to give credit to the site http://www.zombielandrules.com for a reference point.
Rule 1: Cardio:
At this point in the season, the Buffalo Sabres appear to be in descent shape. You would think that one of the major things a hockey player needs to keep up on, is his cardio. Cardio helps with stamina, which translates to longer shifts, which translates to larger ice times. With the 2013-14 Buffalo Sabres, they get their cardio from chasing the opposition all over the ice for the puck. With some of the worst puck possession numbers in the NHL, at least they stay in good shape.
Rule 2: The Double Tap:
So many ways to apply this to the Sabres. The biggest is the absolute inability to bury a rebound this year. It is a regular sight this season, to see a Buffalo forward completely whiff on a fat juicy rebound with a wide open net. Or how about the puck laying in the crease for what appears to be eons with no Sabre player able to bury it. We have come to expect things like this from players like Drew Stafford, however when you arrive in Buffalo after scoring 30 goals in 3 consecutive seasons (and on pace for over 30 in the lockout shortened season), *cough* Matt Moulson, and fall victim to this it is scary. Luke Adam scores 14 in Rochester, scores one goal on a fat rebound, and then forgets how to do it the next game.
Rule 3: Beware of Bathrooms:
If you have been to a Sabres game this year, this does not need much explanation. In the past couple of years, the bathrooms had become a place of solace. You had to go, but you didn't have to worry about missing any action since there are now TV's, and you didn't have to worry about spilling your beer with all the new shelving. Nowadays, going to the bathroom at OUR HOME ARENA, could garnish ridicule form the visiting fans, and make your stomach crawl from the extensive vomiting coming from people sick over the play of the team. Or maybe it is the physical sickness people suffer when looking at the new third Jersey? Who knows. Just be careful.
Rule 4: Wear Seat Belts.
This one is pretty easy. Over the summer, the now ex-GM of the Buffalo Sabres Darcy Regier, prepared all of Sabre Nation for a long bout of "suffering". At that exact moment, I told myself one thing. "Adam, buckle up. It's going to be a long ride." Little did I know, that even adhering to this rule, it still feels like I am smacking my face on the steering wheel with nearly every minute of Buffalo Sabres hockey this season so far.
Rule 5: No Attachments:
In a matter of a few months, we have seen the extreme of this rule. Grigorenko is an attachment for this franchise. It's like a step brother you don't like, but mom won't let him go away to dads for the weekend. Can't send him to AHL, can't (or won't) find room for him in the lineup, Quebec doesn't want him back in juniors. Well, thank goodness there was the distant scary uncle Russia to take Mikhail for a few weeks. In the other extreme, Ted Nolan has not shown any attachment to a player outside of Zemgus Girgensons. Although, the comments he made about wanting Ryan Miller to stay in Buffalo could qualify.
Rule 6: The "Skillet":
Simple. I want someone to hit me in the face with a skillet every time I see the in between period Corsi ratings for the Sabres.
Rule 7: Travel Light:
The Sabres travel light on the road constantly. They consistently leave their game in Buffalo when taking their talents to visiting cities. Oh wait. They are even worse at home. Fail.
Rule 8: Get a Kick Ass Partner:
GM Search continues. Patty LaFontaine looks, searches, and continues to interview (or so we think) GM candidates. In order to fix this mess that is the Sabres, he will definitely need a kick ass partner. Or, maybe that should be someone to come in and kick ass. Beware of Brian Burke in Calgary, who has said to the media that his search needed to start soon since Buffalo was in the market. This is the last guy I want to get into a bidding war with over a GM.
Rule 9: With Your Bare Hands:
Fighting is a hot topic in the NHL Especially with the Sabres, since they apparently employ the biggest goon in the league (Suspension to Thornton from Boston outstanding). When Scott has his gloves off and his bare hands exposed, he is good at his craft. Unfortunately, his craft is becoming a highly criticized topic. He and many others like him, may have their days numbered at the NHL level. Are the Charlestown Chiefs hiring?
Rule 10: Don't Swing Low:
More so an opposition player, Phil Kessel had quite the low swings at the aforementioned John Scott. I take that back. With how tall Kessel is, he was more accurately swinging on an even plain and striking Scott's shin pads. The joke that was the lack of suspension for a purposeful act by the lumberjack, is just another thing laughable this season.
Rule 11: Use Your Foot
At some point, the Sabres may have better luck putting the puck in the net with a skate. I think Nolan needs to run drills in practice to LOOK like you didn't mean it to LOOK like you were making a kicking motion. I mean, it worked for Brett Hull.
Rule 12: Bounty Paper Towels
As in the movie, there is all sort of unwanted fluids all over when the Sabres are playing. Steve Ott's blood from a nose cut, the blood from Douglas Murray's face, the snot running down my sobbing face while watching the Sabres play...
Rule 13: Shake it off
Keep working hard. Come in and keep working. Ok, thanks Ron Nolan. We have heard this all year.
Rule 14: Always Carry a Change of Underwear
For that time, you see the Sabres pull off that improbable win, and you get so excited you mess your skivvies. For those counting, thats only a Six pack plus one pair from Walmart. Your out about $20.00.
Rule 15: Bowling Ball:
When a team gets on a roll, its usually a good thing. It usually comes multiple wins, or a time frame of good play. This season, it can refer to the Sabres defense, and how they stand still like bowing pins while the bowling ball that is the opposition runs through them.
Rule 16: Opportunity Knocks:
When 30% of your season ticket fan base tells you in some form that they will not renew based on the direction that Darcy and Rolston are taking this franchise, you make a call. "Hey Patty, you home?"
Rule 17: Don't Be a Hero (Later Crossed out)
When Terry Pegula hired Pat LaFontaine and Ted Nolan, they were received by the fans with a hero's welcome. It's hard to see in the standings that things have gotten better. The new GM needs to be this hero, and quick. No 3-5 year plan.
Rule 18: Limber Up
The Sabres were so bad at skating apparently, that Nolan had to take the practices back to the basics. This included bringing in a skating coach to work with the entire team. I would think that at this level, players should have the basics down. All I could think of in my head was Kurt Russell with whistle, screaming, "AGAIN!".
Rule 19: Break it Up
This has been a theme for Nolan since taking over. I cannot remember a game where he has kept the lines and/or lineup the same for more than two consecutive games. In his defense, there really hasn't been much to work with. I am convinced that Teddy and his coaches play a game of Go Fish to pick the lines.
Rule 20: It's a Marathon, Not a Sprint, Unless It's a Sprint, Then It's a Sprint.
Well, you want to pace yourself in a long season. With seven wins in the first 32, it seems like the Sabres are still in the tent looking for their participant number for the marathon for the top pick. Or maybe you could say a sprint to the top pick? Right now it's a runaway for last. Even the NY Islanders and Thomas Vanek lost 10 in a row, and are STILL 7 point ahead of Buffalo.
Rule 21: Avoid Strip Clubs
Hmm….maybe in Buffalo you would. If the Sabres wanted to take a team outing to the ballet, it would need to be over the border. With two under 21 chaps showing on the roster as of now, Canada and their shows are the only option. Maybe this would be a good team building exercise. "Hey Zemgus, can I borrow a few bucks? Mine are all wrapped up in my art work, stereo and instruments." ` Ville Leino
Rule 22: When in doubt, Know your way out.
Nolan is interim, Marrone (Bills) is on a contract. At least Nolan can walk away and say, "Thanks, but no thanks Patty. Your screwed."
Rule 23: Zipplock
The potential dumpster fire that is the Sabres, will need dry matches to light it. Fire sale? We can only hope. Bring on a GM and light 'em if you got 'em.
Rule 24: Use Your Thumbs
Grip that stick. Make the pass. Shoot the puck. Simple rules. Opposable thumbs can really help with the use of a hockey stick. Most nights it really seems the Sabres cannot figure this out.
Rule 25: Shoot First
This, is laughable. The Sabres never shoot first. When they do, most often it ends up wide, over the net, into a shin pad, or a whiff. Oh, Corsi.
Rule 26: A little sun screen never hurt anyone:
The Sabres are consistently getting burned on the ice. DZone, Ozone (Give me a break. I live in WNY. Not much sun this time of year), and Neutral zone.
Rule 27: Incoming!
I am surprised Ryan Miller has not collapsed some nights from exhaustion. He has faced the 2nd most shots in the NHL this season, and the 1 goalie in front of him has played more games (Mike Smith in Phoenix as of 12-13-13). He is averaging over 36 shots on him each night. That's quite the workload. When the Sabres are in the Ozone with the puck, fans yell shoot. At this point, they are yelling "Incoming" at Ryan Miller when Buffalo is on defense.
Rule 28: Double-Knot your Shoes
…or make sure your skates are sharpened. You really don't want to be that guy that has a shot with a gaping net on the goalie, and catch and edge and fall over. Or show about that guy that gets a little "push" from the defending forward, and you fall over like a dead log. Keep 'em sharp, and tight. Tyler Ennis must have some dull skate blades, because he falls a lot.
Rule 29: The Buddy System:
The Sabres defense love this one. How many times this season have we seen goals scored by a wide open forward, or a defenseman walking in with the puck from the point. Buffalo's back liners consistently buddy up on the opposition players near and around the net. This frequently leaves a player open for a free shot or two on the Buffalo net. At one point this season, someone snapped a photo of 3 players converging on one opposition player towards the corner to the left of Miller. Three.
Rule 30: Pack Your stain Stick:
John Scott's Rule. Douglas Murray bled all over that wonderfully designed (lolz) and bright colored third jersey. A little touch up work on the bench will remove the stain. "You've got red on you." (Yes. Different Zombie apocalypse movie, still a good one).
Rule 31: Check the back seat:
Sooooo many backseat drivers in the Buffalo main stream media, and social media. Myself included. Everyone has the answers. Everyone knows what is best for the team. But, are any of us coaching? I am not. Do any of us own a hockey team? Errr…no.
Rule 32: Enjoy the little things:
A win is a win. Seven of them to be exact. Celebrating them is hard, I know. But when something positive comes out of it, enjoy it. The old "F**k yea!" Ted Nolan upper cut fist pump is always entertaining, as well as Miller grabbing the puck with his glove for the 'ol fist pump after a shootout win.
Rule 33: Swiss Army Knife:
In the movie, it states multitools are always a good idea. I equate this to the lack of two way forwards for this team. They have no one right now that can put the puck in the net consistently, and play defense like a shut down forward. I want a Bergeron, or a Datsyuk. Not a Matt D'Agostini or a Matt Moulson. I understand those guys were drafted, and are amazing players. So, trade up to get a guy like that. Or trade for one from somewhere else. Pay the price.
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